The Beauty of the Disarray

Do you ever have those days where you wake up and can’t help but wonder how you’re going to make it through the day?

Sometimes, especially as a full-time wife, mom, and student who loves journalism and all things Jesus and wants to conquer everything in a 24-hour time span while also getting a decent amount of sleep, life comes flying at me and I’m not sure where to even look. I personally have struggled with that feeling of not being good enough. You know that feeling where you lay down at night and wonder if you should get back up to do another load of laundry or vacuum because your little one fears it and bedtime is the only time you are able to do it?

Honestly, I feel like I never accomplish “enough”. Actually, in all reality, I don’t  have the time to work out every day and I don’t always feed my family these incredibly healthy meals with three ingredients or less. On more occasions than I can count I have told myself I’m going to “just rest for a second” all while falling asleep on the couch during nap time because sometimes life is just hard, and moms deserve nap time too.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is — motherhood for me is messy and unorganized, and that’s okay. While I am someone who likes to have control and be on top of every little thing, I’m beginning to accept that the disarray that surrounds me is absolutely beautiful. I’m in love with this life and I’m learning how to cope with the day-to-day stress one day at a time.

I’m learning that the toys and laundry that currently blanket my living room floor will be there tomorrow and to take them as a reminder that there’s a healthy and curious little boy living in this house. I’m learning that the bathroom that didn’t get cleaned and the dishes that aren’t done will also be waiting on me tomorrow, and that’s okay because right now I am in desperate need of some good sleep so that I can function tomorrow with just 11 cups of coffee instead of the 12 I had today.

I’m learning that we all have our own life hacks and if playing with your little one is what gets you active, then do it! If you use that naptime to do your makeup and hair so you feel alive, then get to it! Ultimately, we all have our own mess that we try to hide, and it just doesn’t work.

For those who don’t know, I’ve always struggled with my self-esteem. People always tend to laugh when I mention it because many describe me as someone who is confident and extroverted, but I’ll be the first to say that I harbor a fear of being judged. Even now, if the house isn’t clean or we order pizza for supper, I sometimes struggle with coming to terms of how others might perceive that.

But that’s part of why I am here, writing about this journey — transparency is so important in the world we live in. I feel like all too often we live behind this edited version of our lives. We get to a point where we are doing more editing than living and I don’t ever want to lose myself to that edited version. I mean, I’m worried about someone judging me because of what I ate for supper! How ridiculous is that? I was saved by the One who rose again, and I have more than I could ever have asked for and yet I sit here trying to hold it all together when that’s not why He put me here. I’m here to be raw and vulnerable with you and those around me. I don’t want my edited life to take over but rather I want to be able to share this mess with you and remind you that it’s okay to live in disarray at times.

When Christ died on that cross He didn’t do it with the expectation that we’d have it all together and that we’d never fail. Christ knew the mess I was when He hung on that cross and yet He died for me so that I could live this mess and have a relationship with Him that has no parallel. He blessed me with a husband and child who I’m sure think I’m losing my mind half the time and He did so because He believed in me, mess and all.

How different would our lives look if we stopped editing everything and simply lived? Can you imagine the impact it would have not only on you and your family but those you encounter every day?



Brently Snead

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